he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You Might Also Like
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
<- sleeps well with others
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
iPhone chargers should be called Apple juice. I’ll show myself out.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.