he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Flowers bee like
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?