he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.