he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You Might Also Like
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.