He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register