He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
And now we wait
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.