He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
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An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.