Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love meeting boys on tinder

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Great Canadian literature.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.