Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

same energy

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout