Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.