He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.