Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

tis the season

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.