He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
🗽
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.