Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

me adding lol on a serious message

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.