He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!