He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
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Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Oh we’ve met.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.