Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!