HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Said the murderer.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
