Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Stop being racist to kettles.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”