He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
my lower back watching me try to live my life
