Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer