Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

😝

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)