Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Can’t stop laughing

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]