He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
yea so i messed up lol
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Me recordaron éste meme
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back