Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

😉

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.