He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.