Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

i think both sides are to blame here

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”