Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.