Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Tastes like chicken.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

called in thicc to work this morning

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.