Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Good morning!

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.