[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔