He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree