He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.