Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

old twitter is back baby

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

How wrong was this guy?

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.