Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

no refunds

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”