Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Science memes