He has no idea 🤡
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’m having an out of money experience.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.