He has no idea 🤡
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
2 years later
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face