Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]