He has no idea 🤡
![]()
You Might Also Like
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.