He has no idea 🤡
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
2022: I can fix it
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
when unicorns get really drunk
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?