“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*