“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!