Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?