He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
mom gave me mine for free
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
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