He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on