Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds and squirrels envy us

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?