I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Waiter: Your coffee
Me: Could I have a little spoon please?
*delicately embraces me from behind*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon
thank god the sign was there
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!