He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
You Might Also Like
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.