@Marlebean

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

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@reallifemommy3

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

@KeetPotato

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

@mrjohndarby

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

@girlontapas

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

@QwertyJones3

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@tsm560

No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon

@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@ThatFellaKev

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!