He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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Oh thanks BBC.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
mechanics be like
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Unmatched
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.