Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.