Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine