Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?