Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Before & after 😅

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”