Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!