He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
You Might Also Like
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
