Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before