Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.