He instantly became one of the bros
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I beg your pardon?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.