He is just living hist best little life 😊
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.