Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

[eats all your cotton candy]

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not