He is just living hist best little life 😊
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My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I love texting my boyfriend
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
He wanted to make sure😂
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.