He is just living hist best little life 😊
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
the saddest jazz hands ever
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
😂 amazing answer
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.