He is just living hist best little life 😊
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.