He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture