Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

#titanic

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

ㅤㅤ