Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Lucky old June.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

🥲

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.