Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …