Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”