Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.