Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.