Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.