Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?
“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?