Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

My work here is don’t.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

🎵 I can’t wait to

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?