“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Cannot stop laughing at this
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.