“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
You Might Also Like
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The Wolf of Wall Street.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.